Before there was coaching, there was self-help

I love self-help books. I don't think I would have survived my 20s or become a coach in my 30s without them. I used to be embarrassed about the number of "personal development" books I read. I would only read them on my Kindle and I would never add them to my Goodreads. But now I'm ready to love my self-help saviors out loud. In no particular order, here are my five favorites:

1. How to be a Person in the World, Heather Havrilesky

Heather Havrilesky is my dream dinner guest. A former advice columnist for The Cut and other publications, Heather (we're on a first name basis) is one of the wisest and funniest voices ever. Perhaps my favorite piece of writing on the planet is this piece, a Nobel Peace Prize-worthy screed against "tepid motherfuckers." It should be required reading for everyone in the dating game.

How to be a Person in the World is a collection of essays that holds the solution to your problem. I don't care what the question is, Heather has answered it here. The piece linked above, "What would Kanye Do?" is included. Along with other true works of genius covering life-affirming topics like pursuing creativity, finding forgiveness, and believing in your worth. Heather's advice is just so good, and is delivered in this book in the perfect package of wit, compassion, and courage.

2. Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck

I consider Martha Beck to be one of the OGs of the self-help world. She has a crazy back story that involves leaving Mormonism, realizing her true sexual orientation, raising a son with Down Syndrome, becoming Oprah's life coach, and then solidifying herself as the ultimate authority on living your truth. This is a woman we can all learn from.

In Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck maps our journey to discover who we are, what we believe, and how we are here to serve through parallels to Dante's Inferno. One of the first lessons is about finding our "body compass," a tool that helps us calm the fear and social anxiety of the mind to hear the wisdom of what Martha calls our "essential self" through our physical body. This practice truly blew my mind when I first tried it and it's something I've since done with clients to great success. Martha was the first person to show me that the body knows the truth even when the mind wishes it didn't. It's one of many lessons on integrity that has become foundational to my approach to life.

3. Women, Food and God, Geneen Roth

Did you know that you could just feel your feelings and not eat them? I honestly did not fully understand that until reading Women, Food and God. The title of this book is intense, and so are its insights. But of all the books on this list, I think this one had the strongest and most immediate impact on my life. I did not know that you could just be sad, or grumpy, or lonely and do nothing about it. And not only is that fine, it's natural and healthy. This book taught me that I can be uncomfortable, and that it will eventually end, and I am tough, and I will survive. Life changing.

There are A LOT of dangerous, shame-inducing, fear-based books on eating, health, and fitness in the world. This is not one of them. It's an honest, loving, powerful counter to every comment you have ever received telling you that you are weak, indulgent, and should ignore what your body says it needs. As Geneen Roth says, "Change happens not by hatred but by love. Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest."

4. Grit, Angela Duckworth

Angela Duckworth is a professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and Grit is her manifesto on how combining passion and perseverance leads to success. Before reading Grit, I had developed a personal belief that we should all strive to do what we love, not just for personal benefit, but because our interests and strengths are all signs pointing us towards our purpose. I love Grit because it provides scientific proof to this concept, and shows its limitations.

I think about the findings of this book often when coaching people on the search for meaningful work. Yes, follow your passions. Notice what you are interested in and what you are good at. But know that finding success and realizing your full potential in any area will not always flow easily. Find something you care about getting good at, and then work really, really hard to do so.

5. The Universe Has Your Back, Gabby Bernstein

Listen, sometimes (a lot of the time) you have to just believe that the universe has your back. That it will all work out okay. That you are great, and you will have a great life, and you have everything you need to make it work. Sometimes Angela Duckworth has not published a peer-reviewed article on if you know what you are doing, or if you will ever fall in love with the right person, or if you will be able to retire to the beach to pursue painting full time, and you have to just have faith. Because the alternative is to have fear. And though there are not yet studies to prove it, fear does not lead to a beach-front painting studio. But faith does.

Gabby is the best cheerleader on choosing faith over fear. The Universe Has Your Back is a permission slip to dream big and have fun along the way. It gave me the option to worry less and trust more and to be okay with not knowing, but believing. The result is a new level of freedom that feels really good. And as Gabby would say, "it's good to feel good."